Suffering

I haven’t written in way too long.  I have once again allowed being “busy” to take control of me and haven’t stopped to take time to write.  Although, I am starting a new podcast, which I’m SO EXCITED about.  Who knew this introvert would be so comfortable in front of a microphone?

So many good things are happening in my life and there is so much to be thankful for at the moment.  A new relationship that is bringing me such ease and happiness, a new home that will make my life so much less complicated and build my support base, my business is taking shape as I envisioned it would, and I’m just generally happy most days.

Yet, this past week, I had a setback and have really struggled to keep it together many days this week.  August is always particularly hard for me to begin with.  There are a lot of things that have happened over my life in August including that it’s the month that my father took his life 19 years ago this August 29.  This year I add  another death to it.  My 9 year old dog, Daphne, died this past week. I adopted her at the age of 4 months, so I’ve had her in my life for all of those 9 years. I came home from work on Tuesday night to find that she had died while I was at work. Devastating and completely unexpected.  Luckily, I have amazing people in my life who quickly came in to help me make it through that evening.

But, all week, when I take time to slow down I have felt emotions again that I haven’t felt in a while.  This time last year I paniced when I felt sadness, stress, and anxiety, but this year I know that those feelings are not “wrong.”  They serve a purpose and I have been sitting with them and feeling them…as much as it sucks at times.

With that being said about those “tough” emotions, I heard this song the other day on the way to the studio and it hit me:

“Suffering” (By Rebelution)

Let’s sit back and relax and get comfortable
Now close your eyes, now make it rightDon’t point your finger at me
Don’t you know it’s you why you’re suffering?
You’re why you’re suffering

I’ve got my mind set at ease
Don’t you know it’s you why you’re suffering?
You’re why you’re suffering

I’ve got my reasons to live
Don’t you know it’s you why you’re suffering?
You’re why you’re suffering

I’ve got my mind set at ease
Don’t you know it’s you why you’re suffering?
You’re why you’re suffering

You are your suffering
You’re why you’re suffering

I heard the words and thought, “shit, change your thoughts, change your life.” I know this.  I have heard it a thousand times over, yet I can so quickly to a place of self pity and sadness. Have I had setbacks and shitty things happen in my life?  Yes, no one would debate that.  Yet, when it comes down to it, I am in total control of my life.  YOU ARE IN TOTAL CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.  We all have been given this gift of life and we can choose each every single day how we choose to live it.  No other person is responsible for your happiness or for your suffering.  You are responsible. I am responsible.

So, I’m sad…and that’s okay.  But, I have the choice to move forward how I choose.  And, so do you.

My girl, Daphne.
Feb 2006 – Aug 4, 2015